A Greater Society - Chapter 8: I Remember... By Ratte

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Keeping to the alleys and the side streets we managed to find our path back home without interference. It took a lot to not turn around to ensure Ulimi was alright, riding instead on the hopes the lack of yelling and din granted me. Words escaped me for the remainder of the trek, leaving me completely dumbstruck and feeling helpless.

It was like I'd never left home.

I took my charge up to the porch and opened the door back to our realm of safety, closing it behind me. Quickly I walked to the kitchen, setting down my new work on the bench to put away what groceries I'd purchased. Riv trailed after me the whole time, holding onto my tail for comfort. It took only a couple minutes to empty my hands but it felt like an eternity.

"Riv, would you...mind coming upstairs with me?" I asked, trying to avoid looking down.

From the corner of my eye I saw him nod his head, oh so slowly.

I sighed and picked up the folders, brushing the free end of my tail against his face to reassure him. Together we ascended the stairs and headed right, clearing the stub of hallway to my quarters. I opened the door and placed the folders on the side table near my bed before taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, the child doing the same after a moment.

I buried my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes and raking back my unkempt hair with my fingers. A soft shuffle of cotton alerted me that Riv had scooted closer, his pale eyes carrying with them a look of worry.

"...Are you okay?" he asked.

The audacity.

"Your concern is sweet, but this...is not about me," I said. "What happened out there-- that shouldn't be normal."

"That's how people were at home," he quietly said, looking away. "They were like that to my mom an' me."

"I'm sorry, Riv, for not having noticed those things so much sooner," I said, rubbing the top of my snout. "This was an egregious mistake on my part."

He looked back up at me with his head tilted, not understanding what I meant.

"I...I've seen people like this," I whispered. "I remember...people like this. I know the things they say, the th-things they do, all...all too well. I hadn't noticed until too late as, this time, I was not the--...I'm very...very sorry."

I lifted myself with my skinny arms and legs, going in reverse until I could sit crosslegged and lean my back against the wall. Stretching my neck and resting my head against the wall I looked toward my charge. He was fidgeting with his hands, unsure of what to do or say.

"...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with all of that" I said.

He said nothing, instead twisting around to crawl toward me as I lay against the wall. He sat right next to me as I stayed still, not knowing what he was after.

"Um...Can I...?" he asked, trailing off.

"Can you what?" I replied. "I'm right here if you need anything."

His eyes widened and then squinted as he reached up to scratch his cheek in nervous indecision.

"Whatever it is, Riv, you can ask me."

He turned toward me and, before I could say anything otherwise, crawled onto my small lap. I tried to stifle a gasp as he sat in the bowl my legs created, his legs dangling off the side and his small head against my chest. My heart was pounding.

"Sorry I scared you," he mumbled, his tiny hand clinging to the button line of my shirt.

"You didn't scare me," I said, tugging on the comforter beneath me. "I was just...surprised. I don't think you could scare me."

"Your chest is beating really hard," he said.

"Ah, well...I'm just nervous," I assured. "It'll go away."

"Did...Did I do something wrong?" he asked, a familiar whine in his voice.

"No, no, you did nothing wrong," I said. "You haven't done anything wrong, no matter what they say."

"But...did...I make you nervous?"

It's funny. Had I been asked this a couple months prior I might have a different answer, but...

"No, Riv. I am just a nervous person. It's nothing you caused."

What had for a while been a source of uneasiness and hesitation had become my source for comfort and grounding. Honestly over time I was more anxious when he wasn't around, having grown so used to this new little shadow of mine.

"...I hope I don't make you uncomfortable," I said.

"Why would you?" he asked, looking up at me.

"Because I look like those people from outside...the ones you talked about from your home," I recalled.

"But you're not them."

"I--"

"You're nice to me. You don't scare me or say mean things or throw rocks at me."

I didn't know what to say.

"...Thank you."

His head returned to my chest as I brought my arms around him, holding him close. I touched the end of my snout to his head, my nose in his clean hair, and closed my eyes. In my chest I could feel my heart slow to a calm and steady pace for the first time in a long time.

He was right. I wasn't them.

And you know? He wasn't them, either-- the people I'd run from.

"I love you, Father," he softly said.

I slowly opened my eyes back up to the tired child in my arms. Any fear or apprehension I once had had fallen to the wayside. My walls had cracked, slowly chipped away by this little boy seeking kinship, and piece by piece they had begun to fall. It was something I thought I would never get to experience again.

I looked over to your portrait, remembering your warmth. I remembered when you were in my place and I was in his, the bittersweet memories moistening my eyes. I closed them again, taking a breath.

"I love you too, Riv."

We sat in silence for what felt like an hour, exhausted from the events of this morning, and slowly drifted to sleep.

---

Memories of long ago seeped into my head, finding me in my dreams. Shadows cast by my parents, an envelope of money left behind.

Loud, harsh voices. Too many to count, too many to interpret.

Small.

Something around my neck, squeezing tightly. I can't breathe.

Bruises and cuts in my skin.

Helpless.

I'm running down a street that never seems to end as shadows close in on me, a formless mass of anger.

A heavy weight on my chest. Pressure on my arms and legs. I can't move.

Weak.

A scream -- my scream -- and a blade dripping blood.

...My blood.

...Things...missing.

Raucous laughter and sneers from the mass.

I...

I-I--

---

I gasped and jumped awake, my eyes wide with terror staring off into nothing. They stung like salt in a wound as hot tears burned trails down my face. No amount of breathing felt like enough as I gasped over and over like a fish out of water.

The world around me was black. I saw nothing. I heard nothing. My eyes were open, but nothing was there.

I heard mumbles in the blackness, soft and unintelligible. What was--

"--er."

Something on my face. Two of it, one per side.

Small. Gentle.

"--ther."

My breathing slows.
My heart soon follows suit.

"Father."

The black started to fade. I was at home. I was in my room, sitting on my bed.

A small child held my face in his tiny hands, his one of consternation. My breathing finally caught up with me and my pulse slowly returned to normal.

"...Ah, I'm...I'm sorry you had to--"

He rubbed the side of his face on the side of mine, hugging loosely around my head with one arm. He pet my head, fingers combing through my hair just like I'd done to him.

"You're alright, you're alright," he'd repeat. "It was a bad dream; you're okay now."

He was...so much like you.

---

[Music]

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